Doesn’t it just make it worse when everyone around you is having fantastic luck when nothing right is happening for you? That’s been my past week.
I’m embarrassed to admit it, but lately I’ve had the attitude of “who cares?”. I’m being honest on this blog, even if it paints me in a bad light. I’m usually a very organized, responsible person- the kind that gets their homework done and finishes assignments days in advance. Definitely Type A, and a textbook-definition eldest child. Lately…not so much. Last Friday I found myself sitting in class, staring out the window half the time and the other half of the time I sat their thinking “who cares?? I mean really- in the grand scheme of things, it is crucial that I learn about long term athlete development?”. For the first time in my life, I actually don’t care, and to be honest, it scares me. This is new, unfamiliar territory for me.
I’m also panicking over my future. My typical Type A self used to have it all planned out. I knew exactly what I wanted, and had my entire life plan mapped out. Now, it’s just a bunch of murkiness. I have about the next 24 hours planned, and that’s it. Teacher’s college applications are so stressful I think they’ve taken about ten years off my life. Plus, after paying for them I have officially emptied out every last penny in my savings. Then, I found out yesterday that the number of applicants admitted has dropped. One school dropped their admittance from 800 to 150. So, not only am I completely broke, but my chances of getting in have been slashed dramatically.
I’m really starting to wonder if my whole degree is worth it. This summer at the youth centre, I organized a basketball league. I’m a terrible basketball player, but I would always warm up with the kids and shoot baskets with them. The janitor at the centre one day was helping me with my free throws, and he made a comment about how women needed men to teach them about sports, to which I replied “you do realize you’re talking to a female human kinetics student”, to which he replied “yea, but no one will hire you, because you’re a female in a male business”. I thought he was just being a jerk, so I ignored him. Later that summer, I organized a mini-NHL tournament, and the kids picked their favourite teams, and the programmers at the centre were the general managers of the teams. One of the girls at the centre one day told me “hey Lauren, you’re the first female NHL GM!”. I was telling this story to two male friends the other day, and they told me that that would never happen in real life because a female would never be hired by a pro-sports team. We got in to this major debate over this, and I think I came out on the losing end of that argument. My dream job, my reason for picking my degree in the first place, was to work for a pro-sports team. This just made me feel more frustrated and confused.
For some odd reason, I’m one of the only ones in my group of friends to go to university. Some went to college, others didn’t pursue post-secondary education. Most of them are married or engaged, they all have real full-time jobs and are so much farther ahead in their lives. My friend Erin is getting married this summer, has an amazing job with an amazing salary, and just bought a house. A HOUSE!! I don’t even have enough money to make rent to the end of the year. I just feel as though the past four years aren’t really doing anything for me.
Right about now I just want to scream to God, “alright, I know you have a plan for me, but I’m sick of waiting! Just show me the way. Make it clear, let me know it’s all going to work out!”. I sound like such a spoiled brat, complaining over stupid things, most of them trivial in the grand scheme of things. But, this is where I’m at right now, and I’m going to be honest, even if it’s ugly. Besides, it makes me feel better to type it all out.
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him”
- Psalms 37:7
Waiting patiently for my Lord-
*L
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3 comments:
When I was very young, I was fishing at a river bank with my best friend Joel. While horsing around, Joel fell into the river. Neither one of us knew how to swim, but I knew the lake wasn’t that deep so I jumped in to try and help him. Joel was in panic mode the whole time and his only instinct was to grab onto whatever he could to try and save himself. Unfortunately, the only thing he could grab was me. Long story short, I planted my feet on the ground and allowed him to stand on my shoulders so he could grab some air. Once he calmed down, he was able to grab onto dry land and pull us both up.
To receive God’s gift, the Bible says you must trust Him FULLY. God is not going to settle your turning family or friends, or health or work or fun or pleasure into an idol while you relegate Him to the back seat. He knows only He can satisfy your soul.
That’s why more often than not, we are faced with seemingly impossible trials so that we learn to seek him, to cry out for him, to beat our fists against our chest and say,
God, you’re my only hope, I’m waiting on you, you’re all I have, I trust in Jesus Christ alone.
Then, before you realize it, you’ll have gained something of infinitely more worth, than family or friends, or health or work or success or pleasure… you will be leaning on Jesus Christ alone in radical trust and faith. That is it’s own reward.
Have you ever sat down and tried to write a poem, a song, or a story? Maybe you tried to write the best blog in cyber world, but just couldn’t find the inspiration. A couple of hours pass and you decide to finally turn in for the night. Then a flood of creativity hits us & we immediately want to get up & start working on that stuff again.
James couldn’t have said it best:
“See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, and how patient he is for the autumn & spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.”
Patience is taking the scenic route. Patience is letting your hair down once in a while and trust in God’s plan.
It is by patience that we receive ultimate salvation.
And maybe --- just maybe --- we can stop long enough to see that despite all our actions, we won't have to drown if we stop to realize we have someone holding us up who will allow us to breath in fresh air.
...so relax, breathe. You'll pull out of this.
Dear Lauren...It iS very hard going through this.
I remember that when I applied for nursing in Ottawa that there were hundreds of applicants and there were only a couple of hundred to be chosen.
For the first time in my life, I realized what it meant to know "somebody" in the world that would smooth your way through and get you places.. My best friend who worked with me at Perely Hospital was accepted and I wasn't.
I couldn't understand why... After all, I had completed my grade 13 and she had only gone to grade 12.
THEN I found out the WHY..Her dad was the adminsitrator of the Tri Service Hospital in Ottawa...Kind of made me wonder,eh?
At age 18, you kind of take things like that bad and my heart was in a real turmoil over the whole matter..
I discovered later that God had bigger plans for me and even though I had a job of lesser degree, I learned that being a nursing assisitant working with elderly people was opened up for me at every turn and God made the way!!
I was very thankful for the job that I had with these special people, a job that I could be happy at!
So dear Lauren-mary, you don't have to listen to other people about this because God IS making a way for you and will put you right where you belong.
Right where you will be happy and right where you will be making a real good difference to some people's lives.I mean look what you did for littel Dianna!!
Now Noel is right about this..."With God ALL things ar possible.....Love Terry
Good morning, my friend:
Thanks for "letting it all hang out". Feels good doesn't it! Will you lose any friends? I doubt it! Will others (like me) be able to identify with your pain and frustration? YES!
I'm sure that you know the answers to all the questions you might pose to God. You seem well-grounded biblically! You already know that "as for God, His way is perfect". - Psalm 18:30
So, I'm not going to give you any "pat answers" because that's not what you're looking for.
What I will say is that God has placed you where you are for "such a time as this" and He will carry out His plan for you.
Many times I've sat looking out the window thinking "who cares?". It happened yesterday!
As far as your friends and their place in the grand scheme of things is concerned, be reminded again of Jesus' words to Peter when he was looking at John's seeming advancement, "What is that to you? YOU follow me!" - John 21:21,22
You are loved by your blogging buddies, Lauren-Mary! God is saying, "I'm glad you vented, now go and watch me do mighty things in and through you today!"
Lots of love,
David Fisher/Pilgrim Scribblings
and the barnabas Blog
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