Sunday, October 12, 2008

Everything is changing

I’m a firm believer that God has a plan for our lives, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering my favourite verse is Jeremiah 29:11. During so many rough times in my life I have clung to the fact that God has that perfect plan for me. However, lately that really hasn’t been helping. I’m looking at the hand of cards God has dealt me, and I feel like yelling “deal again, because these cards STINK!”. I don’t want this plan; I want to know Plan B, Plan C…Plan Z!!

I went home a few weeks ago to visit some friends, go on a few job interviews and take care of my parents’ house while they were in Vancouver. While I was there I met up with two of my friends, Heather and Tracy, for lunch at one of our favourite Kanata restaurants. We laughed so hard, and it felt so good! We got caught up on each others lives and went over all the old funny stories from when the three of us used to work together. I felt so good to laugh so much that my sides were hurting and at one point I actually had tears in my eyes! When I got into the car afterwards, I sat for a minute and realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed that hard. It made me really sad, which I know may sound crazy- who gets sad over being happy?! It made me miss the “old days”, when I was happy with my life and everything was going well.

I don’t deal with change very well- I like everything to stay the same. This past year has been a constant reminder that everything in my life is changing. I feel like I’ve lost all my old church friends- out of the ten of us, I’m the last single, childless one. Whenever I see them I feel like I don’t fit in anymore; their lives and priorities are so different than mine. It’s hard to hear “Lauren, come hear about my great new job/hold my new baby/meet my gorgeous husband” when nothing is working out for me. I know, I sound immature right now!

If I could, I would snap my fingers and go back three years. I was so happy then- I had school, swimming, horses, jobs that I loved, friends that I could laugh with. I feel like I used to have everything, and I’m just sort of sinking right now. My grandmother said that everyone needs to fail at some point in life, but I’m not enjoying it. I got very used to being an honours student, varsity athlete, sports editor for the campus paper…I sat on committees, went to conferences, rescued cats (does anyone remember little Jack?)!!

I went out to the barn when I was home to say hi to some of my barn friends and see some of the horses, and as I walked down the aisles of the barn, it really hit me: everything is different now. The staff is almost completely different- most of us have moved away or gone on to other jobs. I used to know all the clients, and as I read the names on the stall doors I thought “I don’t even know who half these people are, and I’ve only been gone for four months!”. I guess the change had happened slowly over time, but it really hit me that day that people are moving on and growing up.

I think I could handle this better if for me moving on meant moving on to something better. Right now I’m struggling so much with work. My work in Muskoka got extended to the end of October, but it’s only volunteer work. It’s been a great experience (I’ll have to post pictures soon), but I’m ready to figure out what’s next. I’m applying to every job I can, and barely getting any interviews. I’ve been looking into going back to school and I’ve found a few programs I’m interested in, but without a (paying) job, I have no idea how I’m going to afford it.
I consider myself an optimist, which I would say is a result of my faith- that God will never give me more than I can handle and that He had a plan for me that will give me hope and a future. I like to smile and laugh and I just wish I felt like it more. I know in my heart it will all work out, but my head is having a hard time getting it.

9 comments:

Terry said...

Dear Lauren-Mary.
I have tears in my eyes and my heart hurts for you.
It seems that our young people are having such hard times these days, you and Little Missionary Julie and Hebrews and Little Montreal Girl and Noel Lewis. Your plates are full and overflowing.
I have come here quite often to see you and in a way I am glad that you have posted. I know that there is not much I can do to help you except to listen to you and pray.
I sort of know how you feel a bit being single and not a mother yet.
I felt bad so many years that Bernie and I could have no children. In those days the mothers stayed longer at the hospitals than they do today, after they had their babies. It got to be that I wouldn't go up to see the new borns. My sisters and brothers had so many babies, but I just couldn't go because every time my heart would break! It was way to hard to look at windows full of sweet babies!
Did you know that Susan got married a couple of weeks ago? She had waited so long Lauren-Mary and then the Lord sent someone to her. I am praying that He does the same for you!!!
You are a good girl!...Love Terry

Laura said...

Hi Lauren-Mary!

Great to see a post from you, even if it was a vent-session. I just love your transparency and openness, it's so refreshing. I don't want to give any pat-answers here, but I'll say this....my eyes are welling up with tears and I'm thinking and praying for you!

Love,

Laura

David Warren Fisher said...

Lauren-Mary:

Thank you for your post and for your honesty and transparency. It is so refreshing! Even though I'm an "old man" who's married and has 9 grandchildren, I "think" I know how you're feeling. I'm sharing so many (but not all of course) of your sentiments. At a time of life when I should be slowing down and enjoying life I'm having to look for jobs to keep food on the table.

Be assured of our love and prayer support. May the Lord give you the desires of your heart as you trust Him.

You are loved and appreciated so very much.

David

Kelley Campbell said...

Hi Lauren...i came across your blog through pilgrim scribblings..and as i read your most recent post, it seriously was like i was reading from pages in my journal from a few years ago. I was in such a similar position not to long ago...and to be honest a lot of the circumstances in my life haven't changed...but my perspective totally has. I'm still one of the only ones who isn't married...and I completely understand the feelings when you hear of yet another friend getting married or having a child...you desire to be excited for them, yet within you rages the question "when will it be my turn...hello God...have you forgotten me"...it is a battle... a struggle to get what you know in your head to match up with what you are feeling in your heart. As I said my circumstances haven't really changed...but it's not as difficult anymore...of course I still question when my time will come, but what I've learned is that it's so important not to dwell in those questions..but it's then (not always easy...I know) when we need to run with our arms outstretched to our Father...To be completely honest with Him and ourselves about how we are feeling...and allow Him to be All that we need and all that we desire.
There's a song by Downhere that I listened to quite a bit when I was deeply in the midst of a lot of similar things that you wrote about...it's called "Feels like Winter"...I'm sticking the lyrics in here...cause they totally expressed how I felt during that time....I do still deal with a lot of these emotions and questions...even this week I've been dealing with a lot of similar things...but I encourage you...to simply Cling to your Daddy...allow Him to be everything you need...
and it's so important to be honest with yourself and honest with HIm on how you are feeling...I'll be praying for you.
here are the lyrics..
.
I can't say what brought me down this far It's complicated
Face down and bleeding from this war Could you forget about figuring me out
And be glad I made it
From face down and bleeding from this war
From this war, from this war

Chorus
And it feels like winter
On a perfect summer day
If I convinced my heart to believe my mind
It might just go away

I can't say the last time I really smiled It takes a lot now
When you're face down and bleeding from a war
Well I know exactly where I've been
And I can't go there again
I need a lot more, I need a lot more than thoughts
I need your touch in my war

Chorus
When it feels like winter
Would You come and save the day
When You touch this heart
I know You really love me
And You'll never go away

And it feels like winter
On this perfect summer day
'Cause You convinced my heart to know You really love me
It might just go away
Might just go away

hebrews 11:1 said...

HI Lauren-Mary!

I have been wanting to e-mail you so much lately...congratulations on your new job! I love teaching and working with seniors...I recently taught an 87 year old widow to use gmail chat about a year after she got her first computer...i can't describe what i felt when i was online one day and she actually chatted me...she typed it up and sent it to me, and i responded and she responded...there were tears in my eyes and i ran to tell all my family wherever they were in the house!!!! it was amazing!

Love and Prayers,
LPP

hebrews 11:1 said...

ps
I have a new article up on The Trumpeter's website, and I will have a new one up tomorrow sometime...pls let me know what you think of the writings! Thank you!

Terry said...

Dear Luaren Mary..It was so good to see you at my blog!
I have been meaning to ask you about Jack. I guess he is living with your parents,eh?
Hope he is doing all right and I pray that your job is going well.
Did I tell you that Noel Lewis got married a couple of months ago?
I surely pray that he will be happy and that he will see his three lovely children more often.
Well take care little one and God's richest blessings on you..Love Terry

Vicki said...

Hugs to you & Merry Christmas, sweetie, from all the Pilgrim Pals. Praying for you.

~ Vicki

Terry said...

Happy New Year dearest Lauren-Mary.
It looks like everything is looking up for you, eh?...Love Terry